It is currently past midnight. I have to go to school in the morning and I could really due with getting a good night sleep. This is my problem. I can't seem to get relaxed, as soon as I close my eyes my mind is filled with regret for everything I've ever done. I find my self blaming everyone for mistakes I have made. I blame my Mum for me cutting my hair yesterday. She kept telling me that I need it cut, so I did it my self. Now it's lost all its thinkness and looks like lesbian hair again. It's my fault for cutting it but I'm blaming my Mums words.
Then it hit me. I have a natural obsession to please people. My Mum kept saying to cut my hair, I didn't want to cut it. Intact I've been trying to grow it out for the past 3 year with little result. But to please my Mum I cut it and now deeply regret it. This need for people's approval explains so many divisions in my life and explains why I choose not to do things. It's why I get so sick of people calling me a lesbian. Because there not accepting me but a complete lie.
It appears that every half term I manage to get caught in a downward spiral of self hate and regret. It gets to the point where the only way I can make myself feel any better is by writing about it on here. I know it's risky but anyone could find this. But it's just part of my way on dealing with things. It lets me vent with out getting to much attention is any. Perfect because know ones judging me.
I know I haven't written on here in a while and just for the record, all that stuff I'm dealing with in my last posts have been sorted now. I may star writing on here more often with exams coming up. I can't promise anything though. I want to start making this blog to somewhere. Possibly self help, maybe music I've found that is inspiring. I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to write more and get my name out there.
*on a side note, my heart goes out to Mitch Luckers Family, Friends and all Suicide Silence fans. It's so sad that he died so young. I keep seeing pictures of his daughter with the quote "I won't see daddy anymore, he's in heaven." And honestly, my heart breaks. I hope she can grow up to see what her father meant to his fans and how his music changed their lives. She will be so proud of him.*
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