My weird celebrity crush

I have a theory that everyone has a weird celebrity crush. Someone that you shouldn't really like or isn't that good looking but you have a thing for them anyway. Mine is Austin Carlile although some people would say that that doesn't count. I'm going to say it does because he's so different from the people I normally crush on. I know that my friend has Russell Brand for their weird crush. I don't really know what I'm writing about here do lets just put in some pics of Austin... Don't judge me. It's just a school girl crush hahaha xD

Being sick

Well hey guys. I've been ill lately. I didn't go to school yesterday and I'm not in today and I was feeling sick for a few days before this. I've been spending most the days in bed so far but today I've been keeping myself awake with Motionless in Whites new album infamous. So far it's sounding pretty good and I'm looking forward to seeing the video for Devils Night soon XD but yeah I just wanted to do something with my time so i wrote this. I will probably go back to sleep when I've finished listening to this album (currently on Underdog, so not long until I finish) or finally go eat some food.

Regrets and Realisation

It is currently past midnight. I have to go to school in the morning and I could really due with getting a good night sleep. This is my problem. I can't seem to get relaxed, as soon as I close my eyes my mind is filled with regret for everything I've ever done. I find my self blaming everyone for mistakes I have made. I blame my Mum for me cutting my hair yesterday. She kept telling me that I need it cut, so I did it my self. Now it's lost all its thinkness and looks like lesbian hair again. It's my fault for cutting it but I'm blaming my Mums words.
Then it hit me. I have a natural obsession to please people. My Mum kept saying to cut my hair, I didn't want to cut it. Intact I've been trying to grow it out for the past 3 year with little result. But to please my Mum I cut it and now deeply regret it. This need for people's approval explains so many divisions in my life and explains why I choose not to do things. It's why I get so sick of people calling me a lesbian. Because there not accepting me but a complete lie.
It appears that every half term I manage to get caught in a downward spiral of self hate and regret. It gets to the point where the only way I can make myself feel any better is by writing about it on here. I know it's risky but anyone could find this. But it's just part of my way on dealing with things. It lets me vent with out getting to much attention is any. Perfect because know ones judging me.
I know I haven't written on here in a while and just for the record, all that stuff I'm dealing with in my last posts have been sorted now. I may star writing on here more often with exams coming up. I can't promise anything though. I want to start making this blog to somewhere. Possibly self help, maybe music I've found that is inspiring. I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to write more and get my name out there.


*on a side note, my heart goes out to Mitch Luckers Family, Friends and all Suicide Silence fans. It's so sad that he died so young. I keep seeing pictures of his daughter with the quote "I won't see daddy anymore, he's in heaven." And honestly, my heart breaks. I hope she can grow up to see what her father meant to his fans and how his music changed their lives. She will be so proud of him.*

Im just another statistic

This is going to be the hardest blog I've ever written, even harder than my last one. Pressing post will be super hard but it's going to be my way of admitting my weakness.
I've been fighting against self harm for a while now, I have been ignoring urges to start. This past week hasn't gone well for the battle. I was doing so well untill Wednesday night where I started itching my shoulder and without realising it I was scratching away the skin. I didn't feel bad about it, I felt better, I felt as if I could finaly sleep. For the next two days it happend every night to help me sleep. Then on the Saturday, I was tired, sick on not in a good mood so it happend but one step worce. I took the blade out of my hair razor and started cutting. But this didn't feel like I was doing it to sleep, it felt like I was doing it as a punishment. I'm not proud of myself for starting and worst of all carrying on. I feel like a scum bag but I just can't stop.
Im trying so hard to tell my friend but I don't want to do it over the Internet or phone, I want to do it face to face. Unfortunately I wont see her until school and I don't want to do it in there. I think it would destroy her. She told me befor I started, when I was just fighting the urge, that she didn't think she could cope if I started because I am the only one of our friend group who has been strong enough not to do it. But now I have, I'm not the strong one, I'm not the one giving out advice. I'm the one needing it.
I don't even I know why I'm posting this, it's horrible. I don't want people to know really but I feel as UFO must do this. Maybe I'm hoping my friend will see it and it won't be as hard to tell her, maybe I'm hoping for advice. I don't know. All I know is that I'm just another statistic. Another 2 in 10 teens self harming. Another child heading down the road of pain and suffering. Its not a fun place to be and I hate it, every it of it :( I wish I could stop... I just don't know how

Somewhere to vent

I need a place to vent feelings, I've been needing it for sometime now but I haven't been able to find the right Place where I will be heard but my family wouldn't know, that used to be my YouTube but then my brother subscribed to me so now I have know where.

I feels as if the devil is on my shoulder, tempting me to things i promise my self I would never do. Everything is all over the place and I still can't deal with my friends self harming. It's tearing me appart when I here they've done it again, or show me the cuts! In side I'm being destroyed by built up anger, fear and depression. Its so tempting to start self harm, but I'm holding back, I can't do that to my friends. I feel as if I'm the only strong person they have to count on. It I go down that road, I can't imagen what would happen. Sometimes I just want to leave the house, walk to some random feild and stay there all night, get away from life for a few hours. Everything seems hard now, just waking up in the morning is a struggle. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless, I just want it to stop, all of it. It's killing me. So much to think about, so much to watch out for, so much to do. I just can't handle it. Eom even finding it hard to find inspiration to move forward in music, something that used to come naturally. I'm in a dark pit of my life. It seems that curling up and blanking everything is the only easy way to get through it but I just can't do it.

I can't really talk, my life is know where near as bad as some people's, infact it's not bad at all. Some people would envy my life I have family and friends who love me. I have everything I need but yet I feel so alone, more alone than ever!

drunk on Orangena!!

hay guys!!! I'm bk from france :3

SO yeah, it was so good snowboarding again and I'm glad i went.. even if i was the youngest there. The second youngest was in their last year of university so i was pretty young.

Getting the plain there was a pain because we had to wake up for 5AM!!! and it was on the day when the clocks changed so it ended up feeling like 4AM!!!!!!!! urrgggggg :( i was not a happy bunny

and then when we got there the line was huge!

see this picture, this was the loop point of the line. It starts near the beginning then bends round to the shops and back to the beginning. It took forever!!!!! so i was evil and sent all my friends text at like 6:30AM on a sunday, MWAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!

But other than that the flight was really good, short but good. I managed to listen to the albums:

Stand Up And Scream by Asking Alexandria

Bones by Young Guns

and half of Smart Casual by Kids In Glass Houses

it was fun :3

oh and did i mention that my nails were EPIC!!!!!!!!!!! 

Freakin' Super Mario Mushrooms!! 

From the hotel we had a really nice view of the mountains and shizz. there was also a really cute dog that bounced around the snow for ages then randomly dive into it. LOL

I ate sooooooooooo much food, it was terrible. Breakfast, snack, coffee break, Tea & Cake and a 3 Corce Meal. Not to mention my new love...

Harry Bow Smerfs <3

oh how i love them so much :')

I felt like i had to prove to people that there was snow because it was so late in the year so i went out for a walk one afternoon to the bunny slopes where i messed around with my camera :3

unfortunately we didn't get any of us actually snowboarding but i got these on coffee break :D

I also drank fuck loads go orangena!! that stuff is soo good. Im pretty sure that on the last night i got drunk on it. I hadn't drunken any alcohol because i don't drink but i did have like 8 orangenas and when i went to bed i felt sick! like honest to god I'm gonna puke!

Oh and did I mention that my hair was red agin.

If you read my last post i said i was gonna dye it so yeah :3 

Thanks for Reading :P

And I love all of you :3

hair??

ok so i have a plan of what to dye my hair like next but I'm not 100% yet...

what do you think?
i could either do a half and half like this....

but i would do it purple and pink and the majority o it would be purple :3

or...

ginger/red/orange like this...

what do you guys think ??? I'm not sure at all

please leave a comment saying what you think?? <3

black eye

I now have a black eye... I took a forehead to the face in rugby on Wednesday :3 For the rest of the day I looked like Quasimodo LOL

But yeah I've been taking pictures of it every day... [because tim cool] so yeah hers what i have so far.

Day 1: A few hours after rugby

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Love Everybody who actually reads these <3

fitness and junk..

basically me and my friend have decided to work out together. Well not work out butt.....

We do rugby together twice a week already and we skateboard every other saturday and walk to school together every day but we want, for a unknown reason, to take up yoga or something like that. =^.^= we thought it would be fun to do like after school or something.. but obesely the big picture is toning up for the summer so we can rock the bikini LOL :P

ADDICTED!!!!

Im soo addicted to the internet!! I realise this because of the amount of lives i have:
Facebook life, Twitter life, Youtube life, Blog life, Gothise life, Instagram life, Skype life and all the accounts i have on various clothing websites!
Its insane!!! ANd I'm defonatly addicted to twitter and instagram :3 I'm always on it on my iPod!!


What are you addicted to :3
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